I Don't Get Nearly Enough Credit For Managing Not To Be A Violent Psychopath

I found a used condom in the parking lot on my lunch break today.  I took a picture for effect.  Yes, those are my socks. Don’t ask.

Also, housekeeping fails at putting a bag in a trashcan.

Tonight is my last night in Atlanta on business, and then I get to go back home where the air smells of salt and life. Not crystal meth and decay. I’m celebrating with a steak for dinner on the company dime. 

So, in the spirit of getting my mojo back, I’m going to tell you a Kate’s Motel story that no one but my mother got to hear.  It happened after I moved in with LEH2 and lost all sense of who I really was.

Moving on.

Kate’s Motel in Atlanta was, for the most part, quite boring.  I did still get yelled at, did more work than I would have ever gotten paid for, and got to meet Robert Duvall.  All of these things, with the exception of Boo Radley himself, paled in comparison to the day that I met a married, lesbian woman trapped in a gay man’s body.

Yes, you read that right.

Hold on, I’ll give you a moment to soak that one in.

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Married Lesbian Gay Man will be henceforth known as MLGM for the purposes of this blog.

Seriously, I’m going to have to stop minding my own business.  Because just as sure as shit, as soon as I look like I’m not paying attention to something other than myself, SOME ASSHOLE is going to come along and fuck up my day.

There I was, minding my own business.  This man in his mid forties comes to my front desk and asks me, with a more feminine lilt to his voice than my own, “Are there any good places to party around here?” Complete with the hair flip and the valley girl swish.

The tiniest of giggles escaped me.

K: “Dude.  The only place on this exit is a biker bar.  I’m not sure that’s your prime choice of venue.”

MLGM: “GAH!!! I just can’t find any fun in this town.  My wife is SUCH a bore.”

K: “…Wife?”

MLGM: “Yeah, I’m married.  But we’re getting divorced.  She doesn’t understand me.”

K: “You don’t say.”

MLGM: “Okay FINE!  I’ll tell you a secret.  But only because you seem like such a nice person. *GASP* We should exchange emails and go out sometime! Girls Night!!” (Insert clapping hands and bouncing. And vomit.  Insert vomit.)

K: “Umm…”

MLGM: “My wife and I have been married for seven years.  But I’m not really a man.”

K: “…”

MLGM: “The best way I can describe it is being a lesbian woman in a man’s body.”

K: “So…you’re straight? I don’t get it.”

MLGM: “I’m attracted to women.  I just have the HARDEST time finding one!”

K: “Okay look.  Here’s some free advice.  Don’t spend it all in one place.  Getting a woman is not that hard.  Just never ever ever ever EVER repeat to anyone else what you just told me, and you should be good.”

MLGM: “I knew we would be besties.” (winkwink)

My day never recovered.