Old Flame, You're Still The One That Holds Me

Close your eyes and make a wish.  I wish that Joe Manganiello was passed out on my floor.  Naked. 

Our lives are shaped by the choices we make.  I can look back over my life and pinpoint the exact moments that my life was changed forever because of a choice that I made.  A common misconception is that if we do nothing, then nothing will happen.  But doing nothing is still a choice.  And it has an effect on the rest of our lives.

Like the moment 13 years ago when I chose not to fool around in the bedroom with the guy I was previously convinced was my soulmate.  I didn’t make this decision lightly.  Every cell in my body screamed at me to just do it.  You’ve been holding this torch for him for years, Kate.  He’s standing in front of you, BEGGING for it.

But I told him no, and I slept on the couch that night.

I told him no, because I WASN’T convinced that my heart wouldn’t get broken again. I was trying to protect myself.  This was the same man that took my virginity and then apologized for doing it after not speaking to me for three weeks.  To an 18 year old girl in love, this was earth shattering.  It’s not hard to understand why I didn’t want to take that chance again some years later.

I chose instead, to try to make it work with the man that would later become my first ex-husband.

Hindsight is 20/20.  I should have fooled around that night.  My whole life would be different.  My. Whole. Fucking. Life.

Different.

There is something about the first person that you fall in love with.  I’m not talking about a schoolgirl crush, although that runs a close second.  The first person that you can’t live without, every word they speak is coated in glitter, and sunshine comes out of their ass.  This love never quite goes away.  You may go months or years without even thinking about them.  But all it takes is one chance encounter, one phone call, and all those feelings rush to the surface like molten lava in a dead volcano.

Lives change.  Tragedy befalls every one of us.  We live, we breathe, we move on to the next tragedy.  But that first love remains inside of us.  Sometimes faint, sometimes deep, always there.  We’ve both made decisions that can’t be changed or helped.  There are some things in life that, no matter how hard we wish for them, how bad we want, even feel like we deserve, just are not meant to be.

And this is the hardest part to accept.  

I can’t help but remember the best moments.  Those moments are my Happy Place, just so you know.  (ALSO, just so you know, I can only tell you these things because I have finally accepted that it is never meant to be, but it doesn’t change how I feel.) I remember the afternoon by the creek.  I remember the words he said to me.  I remember endless nights on the telephone.  I remember sitting in his lap with my arms around his neck.  I remember being completely, 100% all the way to heaven and back, in love.

I remember these things most when I’m hurting the worst.  And I realize that the men that I'm most attracted to look like him in some way or another.  For my own sanity, I need to stop remembering.    

Because it can never be.

Not like it was.

And it’s my own fault.

(You have to stop calling me.  My heart breaks every. single. time. I hear your voice.  Our timing has never matched up and we will never be.  I know I cross your mind, because you cross mine.  But my sanity is slipping, and a chick's gotta do what a chick's gotta do.  I've made my choices, and I'm paying my consequences.  This is one of those consequences.  I know you as well as I know myself.  I know the guilt that I'm putting on you, and I have to, because I can't carry it anymore.)

Likes Pina Coladas And Getting Caught In The Rain. Not Into Hookers, Has Half A Brain.

It’s a wonderful night for some hot tea and a passive aggressive blog.

Let’s talk about dating.  Do you know how FREAKING HARD it is to find a date in your 30s?  Some of you might.  Most of you don’t.  Let me tell you, it’s like nailing Jello to a tree. 

I decided to join that dating website for shits and giggles.  It’s been quite entertaining.  It has also answered the question of why it’s so difficult to find a good man once you’ve been reduced to this particular avenue.  There really are plenty of fish in the sea.  Millions of people join dating websites every day.  But the real reason that it’s so hard to find an acceptable partner is because at this point, the dating pool is full of nothing but the throwbacks. 

The ones that someone didn’t want, for one reason or another. 

That, or they’re married and trying to cheat on their spouses. Then, when they get caught, they are forced to continue a relationship with the married woman they cheated with, and end up in pictures all over the internet wearing matching shirts and trying to tell themselves that what they have is true love and haters gon’ hate.  No one wants to end up that miserable.  I would hope that if I am ever half of a couple that feels the need to wear matching shirts, someone that loves me dearly would shoot me in the face.  With a sawed off shotgun.

So let’s take a deeper look at the prospects.

First, there’s the guy who just moved to town from Tennessee, unemployed fast food restaurant manager, genuinely believes that cats kill babies by sucking the breath straight out of their mouths as they sleep.  And, who claimed to love me after two text conversations. 

(Dude.  I struggle to pay my own bills.  I’m not trying to pay someone else’s.  And seriously?  Cats don’t kill babies.  Google is your friend.)

Next is the ex military chef that conveniently forgot to mention the reason he is EX military is because he was dishonorably discharged for writing over $4000 in bad checks and stealing from the government.  Also, claimed to not be in it for the sex, but gets butthurt and pissy when I told him that no, he could not in fact, come over to my house in the middle of the night for some play time. 

(Again, Google is your friend.  I found the sentencing report from your appeal.  And all those jokes you tried to pass off as your own to make me laugh? They’ve been all over Facebook for years.  As you would know if you bothered to join the rest of society.  Who doesn’t have a Facebook???)

There’s the douchebag prep that thinks he’s doing you a favor by talking to you at all.

There’s the redneck reject that claims to be “strapped in southern ways” and “just looking for a little respect”.  This guy scares me.  He’s probably mean as hell when he doesn’t get his way.  You want respect mister? Groom yourself a little bit better and don’t make me wonder if you have a family of ferrets hiding in that stringy mullet you call your hair.

There's the seemingly normal guy that really just wants free sex, no strings attached.  This one is the most common.  Hook up, exchange numbers, only texts when horny. 

(If you're going to treat me like a prostitute, you better be paying me like one.)

There’s the married man that will not put a picture of himself on the profile.  This is the tricky one.  But if you pay attention, all of these men have the same story.  It goes something like this: “I’m separated.  Getting divorced.  But it’s complicated.  We have kids together and assets and there’s just a lot of money issues.  I have to be careful while the divorce proceedings are taking place because I don’t want to make things worse.  Oh, and I also have to live with her until it’s final because I can’t afford to pay for two places.  So I’m covering my ass and I don’t post pictures and you can’t call me and we can only see each other on my terms. Because I’m TECHNICALLY still married.”

(Yes, you are. And something tells me that your divorce is never going to quite be finalized.  You, sir, are not about to gain a free mistress from this chick.  Move along.)

It’s like the purple door.

You’ve all seen that house somewhere in the town that you live in.  You know, the weird one.  The one that someone got high and decided that cerulean blue or royal purple was a great color for the front door.  At first, you think ‘Hey, I bet the people that live in this house are really cool and open-minded people.  They have the guts to paint their front door bright purple.’  But you have to think outside the box on this one.  The purple door is attractive.  It suggests awesomeness inside.  In reality, what’s behind the purple door is batshit crazy.  You don’t want what’s REALLY behind the purple door.

Online dating is like the purple door.  It’s attractive and tempting on the surface, and good for a bit of entertainment.  But don’t open the door and go for what’s behind it.  It’s some scary shit out there.

Here's a few tips.  If he looks like a model, he's fake.  Guys that good looking have zero need to find a date on a dating website.  Don't talk to the ones that don't have a picture up at all.  Don't get serious.  There's a reason people join dating websites, and 9 times out of 10 it's not because they "just don't have the time to meet someone new".  It's because someone threw them away and they need to feel better about themselves. 

Don't go for the purple door.