Likes Pina Coladas And Getting Caught In The Rain. Not Into Hookers, Has Half A Brain.

It’s a wonderful night for some hot tea and a passive aggressive blog.

Let’s talk about dating.  Do you know how FREAKING HARD it is to find a date in your 30s?  Some of you might.  Most of you don’t.  Let me tell you, it’s like nailing Jello to a tree. 

I decided to join that dating website for shits and giggles.  It’s been quite entertaining.  It has also answered the question of why it’s so difficult to find a good man once you’ve been reduced to this particular avenue.  There really are plenty of fish in the sea.  Millions of people join dating websites every day.  But the real reason that it’s so hard to find an acceptable partner is because at this point, the dating pool is full of nothing but the throwbacks. 

The ones that someone didn’t want, for one reason or another. 

That, or they’re married and trying to cheat on their spouses. Then, when they get caught, they are forced to continue a relationship with the married woman they cheated with, and end up in pictures all over the internet wearing matching shirts and trying to tell themselves that what they have is true love and haters gon’ hate.  No one wants to end up that miserable.  I would hope that if I am ever half of a couple that feels the need to wear matching shirts, someone that loves me dearly would shoot me in the face.  With a sawed off shotgun.

So let’s take a deeper look at the prospects.

First, there’s the guy who just moved to town from Tennessee, unemployed fast food restaurant manager, genuinely believes that cats kill babies by sucking the breath straight out of their mouths as they sleep.  And, who claimed to love me after two text conversations. 

(Dude.  I struggle to pay my own bills.  I’m not trying to pay someone else’s.  And seriously?  Cats don’t kill babies.  Google is your friend.)

Next is the ex military chef that conveniently forgot to mention the reason he is EX military is because he was dishonorably discharged for writing over $4000 in bad checks and stealing from the government.  Also, claimed to not be in it for the sex, but gets butthurt and pissy when I told him that no, he could not in fact, come over to my house in the middle of the night for some play time. 

(Again, Google is your friend.  I found the sentencing report from your appeal.  And all those jokes you tried to pass off as your own to make me laugh? They’ve been all over Facebook for years.  As you would know if you bothered to join the rest of society.  Who doesn’t have a Facebook???)

There’s the douchebag prep that thinks he’s doing you a favor by talking to you at all.

There’s the redneck reject that claims to be “strapped in southern ways” and “just looking for a little respect”.  This guy scares me.  He’s probably mean as hell when he doesn’t get his way.  You want respect mister? Groom yourself a little bit better and don’t make me wonder if you have a family of ferrets hiding in that stringy mullet you call your hair.

There's the seemingly normal guy that really just wants free sex, no strings attached.  This one is the most common.  Hook up, exchange numbers, only texts when horny. 

(If you're going to treat me like a prostitute, you better be paying me like one.)

There’s the married man that will not put a picture of himself on the profile.  This is the tricky one.  But if you pay attention, all of these men have the same story.  It goes something like this: “I’m separated.  Getting divorced.  But it’s complicated.  We have kids together and assets and there’s just a lot of money issues.  I have to be careful while the divorce proceedings are taking place because I don’t want to make things worse.  Oh, and I also have to live with her until it’s final because I can’t afford to pay for two places.  So I’m covering my ass and I don’t post pictures and you can’t call me and we can only see each other on my terms. Because I’m TECHNICALLY still married.”

(Yes, you are. And something tells me that your divorce is never going to quite be finalized.  You, sir, are not about to gain a free mistress from this chick.  Move along.)

It’s like the purple door.

You’ve all seen that house somewhere in the town that you live in.  You know, the weird one.  The one that someone got high and decided that cerulean blue or royal purple was a great color for the front door.  At first, you think ‘Hey, I bet the people that live in this house are really cool and open-minded people.  They have the guts to paint their front door bright purple.’  But you have to think outside the box on this one.  The purple door is attractive.  It suggests awesomeness inside.  In reality, what’s behind the purple door is batshit crazy.  You don’t want what’s REALLY behind the purple door.

Online dating is like the purple door.  It’s attractive and tempting on the surface, and good for a bit of entertainment.  But don’t open the door and go for what’s behind it.  It’s some scary shit out there.

Here's a few tips.  If he looks like a model, he's fake.  Guys that good looking have zero need to find a date on a dating website.  Don't talk to the ones that don't have a picture up at all.  Don't get serious.  There's a reason people join dating websites, and 9 times out of 10 it's not because they "just don't have the time to meet someone new".  It's because someone threw them away and they need to feel better about themselves. 

Don't go for the purple door.