If It Looks Like A Dick, And Acts Like A Dick, It's Probably My Ex.

I don’t have a whole lot of LEH2 stories.  Simply because he is a useless, zero ambition douche, and really not that interesting.  There is, however, one instance that stands out.  I shall tell you of this event now.

It was a Sunday afternoon in the summer.  I only remember this particular fact because my Tiny Human was staying with mom on the island and was not at home with me.  LEH2’s children, which we shall refer to henceforth as Thing1 and Thing2 aged respectively, were with us that weekend, and it was time to take them home.  LEH2 was waiting for me to get home from work so that he could accomplish this task.

Picture this scene.

LEH2 is shaving his head in our bathroom while Thing1 and Thing2 make a disaster area of my tiny apartment by running back and forth from our bathroom to the children’s bedroom.  They peek through the door in the bathroom and when LEH2 glances at them in the mirror, they squeal and run back to the bedroom.  They do this in turns.

Enough time passes that LEH2 has shaved his entire head and is now ready for a shower to wash himself and the rest of the shaving cream from his head neck and shoulders.  He turns on the water, makes sure he has a fresh towel, removes his clothes, and steps ONE FOOT into the bathtub.

Then the proverbial shit hits the fan.

Thing2 runs into the bathroom screaming his fool head off gushing blood from his face.  Specifically, the nasal region.  LEH2 panics and starts screaming his own fool head off.  Thing1 joins in on the fun.  LEH2 steps out of the shower.  No time for clothes, must stop the bleeding.

Bleeding contained, let’s find out what happened.

Somewhere between the bathroom and the bedroom, Thing1 and Thing2 collided.  Thing2 gets a nosebleed if you look at him crooked, and consequently sprayed 4 pints of blood onto my carpet.  More running, then the screaming, and we are back to a naked LEH2 covered in shaving cream, doctoring a bloody nose.

He apparently decided once the bleeding was contained, that the blood all over the floor must be cleaned immediately, lest someone walk in and think he has murdered one of his children, so rather than turn off the shower and get dressed, LEH2 turns off the shower and grabs the carpet cleaner foamy stuff from under the kitchen counter and proceeds to get on his hands and knees to scrubs the carpet.

Still naked.

Still covered in shaving cream.

Slightly wet.

That’s when I came home.

Let me just tell you one thing.  If you have never seen a large man on his hands and knees, naked, doing some sort of odd job, you really cannot say that you have lived your life.  It’s one of those sights that burns itself into your retinas for eternity.

K: “What the fuck…”

LEH2: “Well what had happened was…”