It's Always Been My Dream To Humiliate Myself Publicly

It’s been a while since I humiliated myself in public. Like, pure, unadulterated, you-can-never-go-back-there-again humiliation. It’s been such a long while, in fact, that I should have known that the time was coming soon for the universe to point it’s finger right at me and say, “Oh! THERE you are!  I’ve been looking for you.”

The majority of my day was spent pretending to look busy for the cameras and holding up the walls of the office, while taking pictures of my gorgeous wedge sandals that have been cooped up in my closet for way too long.  Losing weight has its perks; being able to walk in cute shoes is one of them. Had I only known that those very shoes would be the cause of one of the more degrading moments of my seemingly cursed life.

But they say this kind of shit happens to everyone.

After work today, I went to the local Rent-A-Center store to talk to the sales manager about partnering up for some marketing opportunities for both our businesses.  This is typically NOT something I am comfortable doing; I’d much rather sit at my desk and wait for assholes to come to me.  Not go out and actively round them up.

The sales manager was super busy, and I did the polite thing and browsed the store while patiently waiting my turn.  I’d been there JUST long enough for everyone in the store to see me and know (from the label on my shirt) exactly which company I worked for.  I had my handy dandy business cards and insurance brochures in my sweaty hands, ready to be distributed.

And just when I thought I might get out of this alive, my bill came due.

I turned to the sales manager and whispered, “I’ll just call you tomorrow.  All I really need to do is go over your calendar with you to see when in December would be a good time to set up this event.”  She nodded at me and I placed my business cards on the counter.  As I turned to leave, my ankle stopped working.

It. Stopped. Working.  My own body failed me.  All I can figure is that there must have been some neurological misfire between my brain and the bottom half of my right leg, because it just didn’t work. 

And I fell.

In the middle of the store.

Full of people.

You know that moment in a movie when some jackass walks into a bar and you hear a record scratch and the whole room goes silent?  That’s what happened.  Minus the record scratch.  Not a single person moved to help me, not a single person even asked, “omg are you alright?”

I should have stood up and screamed, “DID ANYONE SEE THAT?!?!? OR ARE YOU ALL JUST GOING TO STAND THERE AND DO NOTHING?”

Crickets.

All I could do was get up and take off my beautiful wedge sandals and walk out the door.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to go back at some point.